lifemaxxing
or: how i learned to stop worrying and love the process
In the past couple months, hell, weeks, I have somehow ramped up the acceleration of my life dramatically. I attribute this to letting go of some static outcome that I held in my head. In not so dissimilar a fashion to a Walter Mitty type of guy or Jim Carey in “Yes Man”, leaping around for no reason other than “the love of the game” has resulted in me living a much more complete life experience. I have (some of these perhaps against my better judgement):
adopted a disabled kitten
ended up in a feature film with real funding
started building a company with one of my best friends
landed freelance work in doing something I actually care about (I finally get to code for money guys!)
became a regular at an adorable local cafe
became involved in a local org focused on providing communal aid
provided dev consulting for that aforementioned org (fate has dictated that I pickup more knowledge about DevOps)
gotten the chance to speak with so many interesting individuals, in my industry or otherwise; engineers, entrepreneurs, researchers, musicians, and many more.
All because I stopped caring about where exactly I wanted to be.
the journey vs the destination
Late last year, as I was perusing a small bookstore outside Ponce City Market in Atlanta, I came across a rather adorable children’s book: Big Panda and Tiny Dragon. Naturally, I ended up flipping through and skimming the content. It was, of course, filled with childlike admonitions on how to appreciate the life we are given, though one adage stuck with me: the panda asks the dragon: “Which is more important? The journey, or the destination?” the dragon responds, “the company.”
I have always been someone who, while I do enjoy the journey for its own merits, I undoubtedly care very deeply about the destination. Unlike some people, I absolutely despise driving around with no destination. I often compare this to the journey undertaken by the Fellowship in Tolkien’s epic: while the story is indubitably about the journey, the whole point is the destination (or at least the end goal of destroying the One Ring).
It is only recently that I have realized that I may have been mistaken in my staunch worldview. I could not quite understand what the dragon was saying to the panda in November of last year. I think I was far too stubborn and muleheaded in my unique procedures to realize: the process itself, and enjoying the company along the way—this is engineering luck. If you do not at least try, if you refuse to participate, and if you stay invisible…then all you can do is wave to the world as it passes you by.
how to be free (a beginner’s guide)
What revelations that I have had, I have only stumbled upon in my efforts to let go of the outcome. In losing the mindset that I affectionately call “the wizard of functional unemployment”. For starters, here’s what I absolutely stopped doing:
worrying about when exactly I would find opportunity:
To some degree, I am a neurotic person. I believe this is rather apparent even upon meeting me for the first time. Rather unfortunately, this also results in me living in my own mind. Which, regardless of the state of the economy… always makes me feel like “time is running out”. I think we are conditioned to tie our self-worth through generating shareholder value, especially in my industry now in the face of new-grad entry-level doomerism. But, this is wholly unnecessary. At some point along the way, I realized that constantly worrying about such things only made me suffer two-fold: if you worry about something and it happens, then you have suffered in your own mind first. I would rather suffer once.
prioritizing ‘locking in’ over community/passion
When I reached a point where I decided that my worth was no longer dependent on who or what would choose to believe in my skills, but rather what I could build, I narrowed my view onto things with more valuable outcomes. These being maintaining good relationships with others and obtaining deep understanding of subjects I actually cared about, for no other reason than how entertained I could keep myself. Though my father also gave me some advice in the midst of my post-grad studies: that I was far too preoccupied with theory when what I really should have been doing was speaking with people who had seen the world. As per usual, he was right.
caring about being perceived
One thing that I think has absolutely helped me more than anything is just bugging every remotely interesting stranger. Do it with a smile on your face and come to terms with being the dumbest person in the room and being just a little bit annoying. The goal above all else is to learn and that will never happen if you are some impossible paradox of being a palatable person at all times to all people (while trying to be the smartest person in the room).
I think, instead, what you, dear reader (and all of us) should be doing instead is nurturing your community and the face you show to the world. Speak to absolutely everyone you can, for there is always something new to learn. Go to absolutely every event you can, because you never know what may come your way. Inconvenience yourself to leverage the only competitive advantage that really matters: fun. For instance, these past few months, I heeded a casting call from my friend and drove two hours out of the way because I thought it would be an interesting experience, and I ended up being more than a background extra. I attended a local entrepreneurship event even though I know nothing about the space, simply because I figure being confused around the knowledgeable is far better than being confused by myself in my room. In an effort to demonstrate the point of just talking, here are some interesting people I’ve spoken to in the past few months:
A senior engineer at GitHub that encouraged me not to give up, with some sound advice (despite the dubious nature of the future of my industry). Sorry for blaming the recent outages on you!
PhD in Operations Research; who quite surprisingly happened to be interested in what I was doing on my laptop and actually asked me for some programming-related assistance, which was a pleasant surprise! I felt vindicated in my dedication.
Staff SWE at a global sports merchandising company who also encouraged me not to give up, and who I got to chat for hours with about algorithms and an under/over-engineered frontend.
Software Engineer at Stripe, with whom I coincidentally shared a mutual friend and view on the industry as a whole.
An entire crew of ADs, PAs, propmasters and otherwise for a feature film (a new experience for me!)
Numerous AZ based startup founders that I met at an event that I barely dragged myself out of bed for—but of which I am grateful to have gone.
Every employee of that aforementioned local cafe (they’re awesome)
One of whom is the vocalist of an intriguing [Genre:TBD] local band with an exhilarating stage presence
Ex COO of a venture backed events startup that I happened to meet while grinding at the poker table (sorry mom and dad).
Organizer for local aid, who introduced me to a 15 YOE DevOps/Infra veteran
Organic chemistry PhD research scientist and his mechatronics engineering wife
His boss, biochem PhD and unreasonably intelligent self-taught computer scientist
Applied mathematician and analyst, who is loosely connected to me via a childhood friend that showed me how to pick at the guitar when I was 9
The point is, all these people that I met, save for a few, each fell into my life in such wildly different manner that the only edge that connected them was simply my new tendency to adhere to curiosity.
More importantly though, to meet these people: you should build a place for yourself, and dreams will indubitably wash ashore.
a case study
Ever since I was young, I had always want to be a ‘regular’ somewhere. I thought there was some novelty in the idea. I have never had that opportunity until now. For whatever reason, I thought there was some special secret pathway to be followed. I often find myself misguided in routine procedure. The only real answer is just to go somewhere frequently. Make yourself known, order the same thing, and enjoy the time that you are there. For the past month or so, I have visited a coffee shop a few minutes away from me nearly every day. At first it was because I was trying to find an environment that got me out of the house and forced me to ‘lock in’; I came upon this cute little local spot and came to find they had rather excellent matcha (big fan). So I started going there for my daily fix.
Inadvertently I did not follow the first tenant I give earlier, not through any purely misanthropic reason, but mostly because I tend to give out an ‘official’ secondary identity (that I still respond to mind you) to restaurants, cafes, services, and sometimes irksome strangers. (Hi guys! If you’re reading this, sorry! It was not done out of malice and I apologize for lying). Though I think it did offer me a layer of anonymity that I could abide by. I have now grown comfortable sitting by those well-oiled hardwood tables. I owe this place quite a bit it seems, since everything in my life started to trend upwards when I started coming by, making nice with the staff, and speaking to strangers every day. It is here that I have spoken to such interesting people.
In my undergrad days, I spent a lot of time writing about how an individual/population’s environment heavily affects the course of their future; now I think I finally understand. Surround yourself with warmth, move somewhere that moves fast, and your path shall surely follow. My hopes is that you will not read this and think “yeah you should speak to people(obviously)”, but rather that networking is perhaps just a byproduct of a life lived on its own terms, though often sterilized in its own self-awareness. It does not have to be this way! You can speak to people as if you have known them their whole life, and for the most part, this works rather well. Perhaps I am just far too casual of an individual with strangers; I do not believe this to be a demerit to myself, it’s always better to be seen trying and failing than to not be seen at all.
Stop worrying about the outcome. The destination only matters if you know some absolute path of getting there. This itself is an impossibility. The journey is the impetus of your connection to life itself. Live for the company, for the fun of it all, and for doing something that matters.
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love you darrell, thank u for sharing ur beautiful brain !!!